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May 3rd - Soka Gakkai Day

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Well, actually 2 days late for this post, aren't I? Better late than never!!

On May 3rd last year, Soka New Century Orchestra held it's debut performance, after being named by Daisaku Ikeda Sensei. Thus, it's SNCO's first birthday 2 days ago.

May 3rd is also Mentor & Disciple Day. Josei Toda Sensei was inaugurated second president of Soka Gakkai on May 3rd 1951, after the passing of his mentor and Soka Gakkai's first president, Tsunesaburo Makiguchi Sensei, while Ikeda Sensei was inaugurated as third president on May 3rd 1960.

Ikeda Sensei made a vow and plegded to his already passed on mentor, Toda Sensei, when he was inaugurated as the third president.

"Sensei, following in your footsteps, I now begin my great lifelong struggle for the Law. Transcending life and death, I will march forth boldly on a journey of world kosen-rufu in which I will spread Nichiren Buddhism to the farthest reaches of [the planet]. Please wait and see."

Today's post is a little heavy, aren't it? But I thought I must put through this entry in this way.

I've been listening to SGI's Podcast on Ikeda Sensei's novel, The Human Revolution Volume 10. I had known this podcast since quite some time ago, as I had subscribed to SGI-USA's publication, World Tribune, and it was advertised there since Ican'trememberwhen. I did inform my chapter youths about this website too, but I just didn't bothered to download the podcasts for listening, until now.

The reason for me listening to it now, was initially for a purpose: for our Future Division inter-region exchange meeting to be held on 23rd June 2007. I'm in charged of getting the students to put up a skit, based on the HR Vol 10. We've not decided on the espisode yet, and I'm still halfway through the listening.

As I listened, however, I realise that I had not been doing much for kosen-rufu. Everything voice down to the heart, and your intention. The heart to want to do it. The heart to want to learn. The heart to fight for the happiness of humanity. The heart to want to make a change. Not because you are a district leader and you have the responsibility for it. Most of the things that I'm doing now, I doing them more like a responsibility, instead of treating them as my mission.

I hope I can persevere. I'm now praying to realise and overcome all my weaknesses. I have no concrete idea of what weaknesses I have.

I know that I can be quite arrogant at times. The arrogance known by me, which might or might not be seen by others, as I hid it well. I know that my mood swings drastically. I have not acheived absolute hapiness yet. Cos at one moment, especially during a gakkai activity, I can be in my highest life condition. At the next, which could be when I reached home, or the day after a very successful meeting, espcially when I have the whole next day free and I don't know how best I could spent it beside slagging at home and I have no one to spent it with, I'll feel very down.

That was what happened. Most of the time. Just like during the Bishan Zone Friendship Meeting last Sunday. Immediately after the meeting, I have no idea what I could do. I was packing SYC's 2nd floor, making sure that we didn't leav anything behind, while others were keeping the 3rd floor, or at the reception "entertaining", or rather engaging in dialogues with others. I felt a bit out of place. I felt lost. I didn't know what my next step should be.

This bothered me for 2 days. I was figety and restless on Monday at work, as well as on Tuesday (Labour Day) during the FD IC meetings. Others saw it, but I just brushed it aside, saying that I was just too tired. But I know I wasn't. I just need to be alone, let my emotions flow without anyone I know knowing, get back in "shape" emotionally.

You were right Rena, I looked as if I wanted to cry, as if my laughters were forced, but I just couldn't allow myself to show my real emotions to you people. I was afraid. Afraid that you'll all start to console me or encourage me, or be strict to me, or any actions by people at all. I was afraid that this will lead to uncontrollable tears and emotions, with reasons seemingly so small and minutte. I won't be able to explain why I cried. Neither could I really explain why I cried the day before my birthday last year, on my way to the jamming session, and after the jamming session on my way home. I just cried, and I don't really know why. While crying, I'll won't be able expain why I cry, but instead kept questioning myself why I'm crying, and kept crying. I don't like it. I rather let the matter go away like that. I know I'm not solving the problem, and I know that it's a cycle, as I've been through it not only once or twice. So this is also one weakness that I must overcome, is this not?

I thought my rubber band holding on to my stress have stretched, but no. If it did, then I'll need to stretch it further.

As well, while listening to the podcast, I learned really a lot. I've really not been doing much for my district, my FD members, and my orchestra. I must keep asking myself what my intention for doing each act are, especially when I'm presenting, be it a buddhist sharing, a concert with SNCO, or my wish to sing for Friday Rendezvous again. Is my intention really to encourage another person? Or is it like what I've always scolded others for doing -- to showcase myself, and proof to myself that I can, especially sing?

I've always thought mine was not the latter. But I guess I must really ask myself this question at each and every performance that I make from now on.

I'm trying to feel for Ikeda Sensei too. And I thought I have had this M & D spirit in me already, but no, it's still lacking.

Someone told me that doing kosen-rufu is a joyous thing, and one will only feel more energetic if it's done correctly, with the right mentality. I guess I must have been in the wrong track, cos I'm exhausted.

Ok. Pray to overcome all my weaknesses. Only by being able to identify my own atmost weakness, will I not be arrogant, and do my human revolution. And I think this is the first time that I'm wanting to do my human revolution too. The past human revolutions that I did, were gradual, and not done intentionally, so this then is the human revolution that I want to do.

LA~mour @ 12:39 AM