*MeowZz Paradise*

Putting a Brave Front vs Being a Hypocrite

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Can I? Can I write out all the negative thoughts in my mind? This is killing me.. My students, members, and friends are reading my blog.. Should I set an example by updating all the positive things, and keep the negative ones to myself? Or should I setup another blog as an anonymous and blast out all my unhappiness? I think that I'm just one step away from being an autistic..

Well, I feeling better now.. It was a few days ago that I was feeling so out.. feeling not myself.. feeling so sad..

So, what happened? I think it must have been the simultaneous appearance of a few problems that made me like that. My colleagues even told me the next day that I looked like a going-to-errupt volcano.. I thought I must have looked like a flood, or tsunami.. I felt like I was going to cry anytime..

I think firstly was, while I was being one of the judges with other FD ICs for the FD Concert audition, we talked about taking vocal lessons.. Susan said that I should take up vocal lessons as I could sing along with a guitar.. I had not told Susan about my passion for singing before that.. Of course, I had been, and still is, looking at the schedule of the school of my desired school, and I also told her and Kui Bao that it was just that I didn't have the time, and their timing doesn't suits me.. Of course, this is one of the reasons.. Another reason was that despite my deepest desire to learn, I think I never believed that I could do it.. It could partly be that my dad did not allow me to pursue this interest when I asked him a few years ago, before I graduated from poly.

There are a lot of things which I dared not do, without my dad's approval. It doesn't mean that he doesn't allow me now, but things that he once didn't allow me to do, I never did till now.. Things like pursuing singing, things like having a boyfriend.. I know that I am an adult now, but it's his disagreement that, that makes me think more that 3, 4, 5 times, and is even making me think of giving up..

His comments were, and are very important to me, and I think he still doesn't know it.. Every things that he suan me, I could take it very seriously, even though he maybe just kidding. I remember once, I'm not sure if I mentioned, that just before a 4 division discussion meeting, where I was supposed to be one of the emcees, for my first time. He suan-ed me.. And I cried on the spot.. And I had to pick up myself immediately to have a high life condition (to be happy), to make the other members feel happy attending the meeting..

Same thing about having a boyfriend, I once asked my dad (I can't remember how old I was then) when I could get one, and he said after poly.. But my sister continued out of his will to have a couple of boyfriends before settling on Justin now. He is my sister's first boyfriend whom my parents admits to. But for me, I am still a runner, like I had always been, running away from all these.. I always think that I am not good enough.. I feel that they deserve better.. I would feel happier if he found his true happiness (not absolute happiness ar..).. As for other guy friends, they either join my "sisters' club", or I join in their "brothers' club".. Haha..

Ok, I digressed..

The next thing that happend was that I argued with YT. I was MAD! Very MAD! And she too was MAD, and we couldn't listen to each other at all! (Even though I know that her character is like this, but I still couldn't believed that she argued with me, and is not doing anything about doing her own human revolution!) I realised after that argument, that I am someone who bear grudges. I will remember the things that we argued for. Maybe it's because of this, and that's why at times I couldn't get along with my sister. Cos I bear grudges..

But immediately after that arguement, I have to use my sweetess and happiest voice to call my students to ask them for their attendance for the FD Cultural Night. Here is my question: Am I putting up a brave front and trying to encourage my students, or am I being a hypocrite, who actually knows that I was not in my tip top condition, but have to fake it to encourage my students?

I do admit, that I do feel better after trying to sound happy while calling them. I realise that at that point of time, while thinking about others' problems, mine really seemed lots smaller than it initially seemed.

At the same time, I saw my sister's blog entry. Haha.. It's really ironic.. Yes, she had asked why other sisters seemed to get along so well with each other, while we don't. I do envy Huiling and Huimin, where they are at 2 different countries now, and yet they communicated through each others' blogs, sending each other encouragements. Perhaps cos I'm jealous. Jealous of my sister's confidence, of her self esteem, of how she could easily get boyfriends while I was running away from it, and that she found her passion in fashion while I still am not sure where my mission lies..

To many, I may seem to be someone who has lots of self-confidence, as I do perform on stage, be it singing, band performance, or dancing.. But when I am alone with myself, deep down inside me, I think I am really someone who lacks self-confidence, with the lowest self esteem (I am slandering the law, cos I know that I have my Buddha nature too, and am an unenlightened Buddha..), who doesn't really think that she could accomplish anything new without support from others (hey! where's my standing along spirit?!?), who can't even see the road to the future, even though I know that there must be a reason why I am born into this world.. Wao.. Identity crisis at this age.. People must be laughing their teeth off.. Ha! Ha! (am I being a fake to laugh at this juncture?)

And to think that my sister actually looks up to me, as "being merticulous, someone who really takes care of her members, and looks after her things" while she's not.. Ha! Ha! again.. I admit that I keep my things better than her, am neater and more careful than her, but I don't think I really takes that good care of my members.. I sometimes do get a little unbalanced with the multiple responsibilities, and feel guilty about it.. But her confidence is enough to cover all these.. I remember asking her what I should wear from poly till my first half year working, as I always think that she has better fashion sense, but I just won't admit to it.. Perhaps depite my low self esteem, my ego is quite high.. ironic huh? It's only now that I moved out that I can't ask her opinion on my dressing.

I admit I do feel angry about her at times, and it is clearly written on my face but I won't say what's bothering me.. I just keep quiet, and not talk about it, even though it 's very obvious that I was not feeling good.. But it's mostly her untidiness, in her room (cos she now takes the master, and I share the room with her when I'm home), and I really cannot stand it. I thought that if she welcomes me home, she should at least tidy up her room for me.. Ok.. At least now it's better..

Really, after so much, I think that it's really my daimoku that's lacking.. Cos after my chapter daimokukai on Monday, and a dialogue and daimoku kai on Tuesday, I feel a lot more revitalised.. The problems doesn't seem to be there too..

And I got the news yesterday, that one of my colleagues got a miscarriage.. I was shocked. I was happily preparing to be the little one's god-sister, and we kept asking the colleague to be careful.. Think it's probably that the little one do not have a mission on earth yet..

Since the news of my colleague's pregnancy, I really feel that I want to be a mother.. soon.. I had always wanted to be one since I was 12, and my target was by 24 years old then, and it's nearing.. There are so much that I want to teach my little one.. But this wish will not be coming true anywhere in near future, even if I have the chance to..

Ok.. anyway, just chant lot of daimoku, ok? For my that colleague, my family, my members, my friends, for him, and lastly, myself...

LA~mour @ 9:27 PM