*MeowZz Paradise*

Hair Cut again?

Monday, October 30, 2006

I didn't add this yesterday.. I further chopped off my hair yesterday.. Although I didn't mean to, but it seems like whenever I experience setback, I cut my hair..

I had wanted to cut it last weekend, but was so tired, that I slept the whole afternoon last Sunday.

Better buck up.. People out there are waiting for you to make a difference.. remember your points to note?

Points to Note:
* Not to do anything that hurt my loved ones, even if it means hurting myself
* Make a positive difference, so that people around me can feel it* Be a good listener, do not impose myself on others
* To be happy, be grateful
* Everyone on Earth are related. Prejudice was just introduced to human beings.

LA~mour @ 7:19 PM

HaiZz..

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Friday Rendezvous just ended.. How was it? Overall, should be quite good.. Cos I wasn't there listening most of the time..

Then, what about my item? IT SUCKS! if that 's the only word to be used.. I hate it! I shan't further elaborate.. those who were there should know what happened.. And I spent the whole Saturday with self doubt.. I doubted whether I could really do it.. I thought that it would be better if we sticked to our initial plan of not performing for this Friday Rendezvous.. ARGH!!

Even people at band asked if I was ok, and why I looked so glum at the practice.. What could I say? I spent nearly the whole day with tears nearly choking me.. I could only force back my tears, replying that I was tired.. But I was really disappointed with my performance.. ZR say that he feel the did me wrong by keep playing wrongly.. What I could say was just that it's over.. not point saying that.. but I thought that he should jolly well know that once the performance is over, it's over.. If he knows that he'll feel sorry, why don't we just make more efforts in practicing before the performance, and making it blunder free, rather than feeling sorry after that? It's no use! Apologising won't turn back time!!

We are performing not to show our skills (we've got not skills to show!), but to encourage another person, to making them feel relax with our songs and performance.. although it is a small performance, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't put in our best!! As a performer, even if there is only one audience, we must do the best in our performance to encourage and inspire that one person..

I'm partly at fault, by not reminding him that daimoku is also a very important factor for a performance. I'm also at fault by not having daimoku sessions held for this Friday Rendezvous..

You know how nervous, lousy, and stressed up I was when I waiting for you to turn up, and when I saw people who I thought are better? I'm not as "zai" as you think I am.. I grew up an inferior and shy child.. you never knew that.. I always doubt myself.. I always have identity crisis.. It must be more frequent that anyone that I know on earth.. I always never believed that I could do what I wanted to do.. especially to sing.. I have no confidence at all.. Even though I did sang solo in front of a 900+ strength audience twice before, after this performance, I really spent a whole day asking myself if I could really sing.. I know that I can do it, and I want to do it, but I always doubt it.. and it didn't help that my father objected the idea of me singing before..

Luckily I managed to pick myself up a little yesterday just before the 4 division meeting.. I was the emcee.. How can I afford to let my life condition be at hell and anger? But I really do feel better after the meeting.. just like before, when I force myself to be happy as the situation didn't permit me to me upset, it worked..

And I purposely went the Morning Gongyo at SHQ this morning.. I needed lots of daimoku, and a very strict guidance.. it seemed like Mr. Ong's guidance was really for me today.. He said something like this: If one is afraid of criticism, one cannot grow. If one is afraid of failure..." I didn't catch the most important sentence.. if anyone reading this was in the morning gongyo this morning, please help me fill in the blanks.. many thanks..

I better stop now.. or my life condition will be back at hell and anger..

LA~mour @ 7:36 PM

*shrug*

Friday, October 27, 2006

I'll be performing with Zhi Rhong at Friday Rendezvous later this evening.. How am I feeling? I didn't feel that this is real, and thought that it'll pass very quickly.. This is the first time that I'm performing for Friday Rendezvous, after a break of 2 years. The last time was at SHQ in a December, with at least 900 audiences? Although that was quite an experience, I can't seem to recall the feeling of performing solo.. It should be quite scary at first, and then the feeling of calmness in the middle of the song, and the feeling of "that's it?" when I got off the stage..

Another problem is that, I'm not sure how many audiences will there be tonight.. There may not be a lot, as students are having exams, and holidays are not here yet. But I know that for November and December, the place will be packed.

The last time that I've performed at SYC, was an October too.. But I've thought of performing in a November, but now, it'll be with my students there as audience as well, I do think I'll feel more stressed. Luckily I'm their IC. If I'm also a student of their age, they will be the ones who I thought are so "in" and outgoing, that I dared not talk to them, furthermore perform in front of them? I'll feel that they could do better than me, and bad eggs might be thrown at my face..

well... *shrug*

LA~mour @ 3:30 PM

Another of That Thought

Thursday, October 19, 2006

I'm sorry..
Did I hurt you?
I didn't mean to..
I hope that you are alright..

Cos I'm not..
I'm hurt..
Deep down..
But need not bother about me..
Cos as long as you are alright..
I'll heal..
Eventually..
Someday..

But...

I'm really sorry..

** *

Points to Note:
* Not to do anything that hurt my loved ones, even if it means hurting myself
* Make a positive difference, so that people around me can feel it
* Be a good listener, do not impose myself on others
* To be happy, be grateful
* Everyone on Earth are related. Prejudice was just introduced to human beings.

LA~mour @ 8:25 PM

Think That Thought

Sunday, October 15, 2006

I'm shallow. That's what I think about myself. I can't seem to have anything in mind to speak about. Not to my colleagues, not to my members, not even to myself. Most of the time, I think that I am lame, that kind of lame-ness which I don't even like myself to be doing. And besides being lame whenever I speak, I don't know any other ways to interact. I don't. I always wanted to be a demure, sweet and knowledgeable young lady, but I ended up being loud, crazy, ignorant. A total opposite of what I wanted to be. Why? I had been a shy and introvet child, who doesn't speak much. Why is the change in me like this? I can't portray myself otherwise now. It's very difficult.

** *

A young lady slipped and fell in front of me last thursday. It wasn't on a normal road. It was in the MRT. She had tried to run into the train when the door started closing. And she lost her footing, and her right leg fell into the gap between the train and the platform, when the door closed halfway. I was standing at that door. The immediate reaction that me and two other male passengers had, was to hold on to the door, and try to pry it open, to allow the lady to "retrive" her leg. Another lady had helped her to get up. Luckily she was wearing jeans.

Everybody and turned to look at her direction. It must have been really embarrassing for her, as she dared not look up at that instant. She didn't even thank the lady, nor the two men who helped her.

That's a typical Singaporean. Can't really blame her though. If it was me, I would also have hoped that I wasn't there at all. But it's just basic courtesy to thank people who helped you in one way or another. Where are Singaporeans' manners?

** *

I wrote about having 3 new colleagues in my last blog. The one that I had mentioned was my coursemate, in my batch, in Temasek Polytechnic, whom I had never seen in my whole poly life. Now's I'm going to mention another lady.

She didn't manage to build quite a good image even before she first stepped into our office. A week before she came, there were already rumors that she had ran off after working a few days, in another of our subsidary companies. People, and even those in my "gang", had started to talk about her, "betting" on how long she'll stay, and things like that. Besides, she didn't live a good impression to all the other Finance colleagues in the week that she was here either. I hear comments about her being unfriendly, looking fierce, trying to dig into people's words, but kept all of hers to herself, etc, etc.

She had actually talked to us, that's me and Shaun, when she at last joined us for lunch. She did have more smile on her face by then, and she even tell me that she's going to the canteen to pack her lunch last Friday. People started giving me advise on not to give her too much information about them to her, and about me to her too, as she maybe trying to scheme or something like that.. But I thought that we should give her a little bit more time to adapt. This time round, she is a permanent staff, not a temporary staff, who will eventually leave in a few months' time. I feel that it's a little too much of us to give her a "death sentence" even before she can defend herself.

Maybe she had been hurt in her previous jobs, and thus a wall of defence was built from the begining? Shouldn't we, then, help to melt her wall, and bring her closer to humanity, letting her know that there are still very nice people out there.

I don't know. I really don't know. The advices that I've been receiving does not match those that I think are right. What can I do?

LA~mour @ 10:45 PM

Wad?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

It's already 2 weeks since my last posting. I wasn't that busy. I just didn't feel like blogging. Didn't feel that i have any topics to blog on.

An update in my office: we had 3 more new staff since Monday. One of them was from my school, TP, in my course, Diploma in Business, and in my batch too. But I had never saw her in school before. She's from Myanmar. The first thing I asked her once I got to know her nationality, was to ask if she knew a 3rd year classmate of mine, Ma May Win Thu. She knew! Hmm.. TP isn't that big. How come I didn't meet her in school during the 3 years we were there together.. Fate? Destiny?

Anyway, people out there, is there anyway that I can gain weight, without taking any supplements or getting any injections or taking any medicine or any cosmetic surgery or any of these sorts? I do eat a lot, despite what I wrote 2 blogs ago (that was an exceptional). But I'm trying to have some savings by spending less on food (this is the only expense that I can cut down on). What can I do? It's really depressing when you can't get any clothes you like cos they are too big, when they are already the smallest..

I'm in a fix...

LA~mour @ 9:56 PM