*MeowZz Paradise*

Standing alone vs being left out

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I'm bored at office. Let me write another entry today.

I've been with this company for 2 years and 2 months. I had really enjoyed my time here. And I really mean it. If possible, I wouldn't mind working here forever and ever. I love it here, the environment, the people.. I've said this to a lot of people before.

But recently, I can't seem to motivate myself anymore. In the past, even if there were nothing to do, but to sit there and rot, I would be able to find some things to do, be it filing of documents, refiling them, or helping other colleagues on my section. Now, there is really nothing to do. There is nothing for me to even dig out to do. I just sit in front of my computer, and stare blankly at it. I can't read a book, write letter, or do any other things, as my office has a very open concept. I can't go online, as I do not have access to the internet. There's really nothing I could do besides sitting down. I once told one of my colleagues this: "我从早上到现在，只做了一件事，那就是：坐下来。。" (From morning till now, I had done only one thing, that is to sit down)

A month ago, I could still go over to one of my colleagues' place, talk to her, grab some titbits to munch, and talk about crazy things. Since the new girl joined our company, I couldn't make myself do the same anymore. I couldn't talk too much of my thought to her anymore. I've built another wall of defence against her. But I'm not happy about it. She taught me not to share so much things about myself to the new girl. I listened. I learned. And instead, I stopped sharing to her and the other girls altogether. I couldn't bring myself to behave like how I had behaved before. I was a crazy one in front of the rest then. I seldom talk in office now.

I really feel that it's a stupid, to allow the new girl to break our friendship just like that, but I just couldn't bring myself to doing it anymore. I love her, the same for the other girls. I know that by befriending the new girl will hurt her and the rest, but I couldn't bring myself to treat the new girl the way they treat her. Although I know that they do not understand that I see every human being as an unenlightened buddha, I still do feel hurt that things weren't the same anymore.. I know that it's not them. It's me who built this wall of defence, and I am suffocating behind this wall. How do I break them away? I've learnt to be a builder, now, someone teach me how to be a breaker, or a destroyer..

It seems like I could get friends quite quickly, but I couldn't really keep friends. I'm talking about non-gakkai friends. I have had quite a number of very close friends from primary school till now, but when we graduate into different schools and different jobs, I can't seem to get in touch with them often. Or should I say I didn't stay in touch with them instead?

I see how my sister, Ailing, Ester, Anny, Jing Hui, and more TP school friends being so close even till now, but I can't see mine. I don't know the parents of my TP friends, some of them I don't know where they stay, they don't know much about me either, as in they don't know me that well. How could I expect them to know me that well, when I don't even know myself that well in the first place?

All these drives me crazy, and it hurts too.. but then, please remember your this pointer: Not to do anything that hurt my loved ones, even if it means hurting myself.

To myself: Understand yourself first. Try to understand your needs and desires. Only then can others can understand you.. And then understand others..

LA~mour @ 3:56 PM