*MeowZz Paradise*

HaiZz..

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Friday Rendezvous just ended.. How was it? Overall, should be quite good.. Cos I wasn't there listening most of the time..

Then, what about my item? IT SUCKS! if that 's the only word to be used.. I hate it! I shan't further elaborate.. those who were there should know what happened.. And I spent the whole Saturday with self doubt.. I doubted whether I could really do it.. I thought that it would be better if we sticked to our initial plan of not performing for this Friday Rendezvous.. ARGH!!

Even people at band asked if I was ok, and why I looked so glum at the practice.. What could I say? I spent nearly the whole day with tears nearly choking me.. I could only force back my tears, replying that I was tired.. But I was really disappointed with my performance.. ZR say that he feel the did me wrong by keep playing wrongly.. What I could say was just that it's over.. not point saying that.. but I thought that he should jolly well know that once the performance is over, it's over.. If he knows that he'll feel sorry, why don't we just make more efforts in practicing before the performance, and making it blunder free, rather than feeling sorry after that? It's no use! Apologising won't turn back time!!

We are performing not to show our skills (we've got not skills to show!), but to encourage another person, to making them feel relax with our songs and performance.. although it is a small performance, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't put in our best!! As a performer, even if there is only one audience, we must do the best in our performance to encourage and inspire that one person..

I'm partly at fault, by not reminding him that daimoku is also a very important factor for a performance. I'm also at fault by not having daimoku sessions held for this Friday Rendezvous..

You know how nervous, lousy, and stressed up I was when I waiting for you to turn up, and when I saw people who I thought are better? I'm not as "zai" as you think I am.. I grew up an inferior and shy child.. you never knew that.. I always doubt myself.. I always have identity crisis.. It must be more frequent that anyone that I know on earth.. I always never believed that I could do what I wanted to do.. especially to sing.. I have no confidence at all.. Even though I did sang solo in front of a 900+ strength audience twice before, after this performance, I really spent a whole day asking myself if I could really sing.. I know that I can do it, and I want to do it, but I always doubt it.. and it didn't help that my father objected the idea of me singing before..

Luckily I managed to pick myself up a little yesterday just before the 4 division meeting.. I was the emcee.. How can I afford to let my life condition be at hell and anger? But I really do feel better after the meeting.. just like before, when I force myself to be happy as the situation didn't permit me to me upset, it worked..

And I purposely went the Morning Gongyo at SHQ this morning.. I needed lots of daimoku, and a very strict guidance.. it seemed like Mr. Ong's guidance was really for me today.. He said something like this: If one is afraid of criticism, one cannot grow. If one is afraid of failure..." I didn't catch the most important sentence.. if anyone reading this was in the morning gongyo this morning, please help me fill in the blanks.. many thanks..

I better stop now.. or my life condition will be back at hell and anger..

LA~mour @ 7:36 PM